This is the part where I freak out about life.

Ready?

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !@#$%@!@#$%!@#$^^$&%^&%$*^^*&^@#

Blurgh
Blah
Meh

WTFWTFWTFWTF

Stress still not released. Shall scream some more times later I guess.st

So I got back from a trip to Manhattan. New York City never seems to disappoint me.

I'm still in wonder and awe of NYC whenever I go.

When I was growing up, my parents and I used to frequent IKEA in Elizabeth a lot (then we figured out that pressed wood is real crap unless you're a cheap student like me). The IKEA is across the NJ Turnpike from the Newark Airport, so I would watch the planes take off and land while I played around in the ball pit at a young age. Apparently I used to cry a lot when the planes took because I guess my ears were sensitive or something, I don't know. But I think I got accustomed to it because now I'm really fascinated when I watch airplanes take off and land. But that wasn't the only sight to see when we went to IKEA. If the days were clear enough, we were able to see the majestic Manhattan skyline in all its glory. The World Trade Center, The Empire State Building, and The Chrysler Building all looked like little toys in the distance that I could play with and I would joke around that they were as big as my pinkie when I pressed it against the window for comparison.

But how wrong I was. When my parents took me to the city, I felt so small and still do to this day. What a huge city. So many people, lights, heights, stores, taxis, intersections, walk signals, subway routes, expensive parking garages, walking fast, looking to cross the street, hustle, don't walk too slow, bustle, men with briefcases, women with shopping bags, so much.

Action.

New York would probably eat me alive if I was just plopped down there suddenly. It's so giant and intimidating but wondrous at the same time. I live in Philadelphia now and I really like the homeliness I feel whenever I walk around. It really is the city of Brotherly Love, though I can't really point out why (maybe it's because I live in a nicer part of Philadelphia, right near the Gayborhood). Oh yea, I definitely saw one of those LOVE signs in NYC, very annoyed at that.

But I have a really nice love affair with New York. From seeing its size and its magnificence throughout my childhood and adolescence, I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness everytime I take a car or bus ride towards New York and see that the World Trade Center is gone. I remember going to Ellis Island that spring of 2001 on a school trip and taking a ferry ride on the river. New York never looked so beautiful in the daytime for me, so close, yet far away to see the skyline. And with what horror I find out during lunch that fateful September afternoon that it had been injured.

I don't really know why I had to type all this out or why I wanted to share it. I guess it's hard to let things go, especially with ones you've grown up with and used to define a certain place, person, or ideal.

My mother also loves New York. She thinks its one of the best cosmopolitan places on the East Coast and she's definitely right by saying that. I never knew how freaking huge Chinatown was until today when we had to drive through a lot of it. Or how many different people you see on the subway when you look around the car you're standing in. Or how many different kinds of stores and restaurants you'll see along the way.

New York is as robust as ever. It doesn't stop for anyone. Everything is efficient and on point, no bullshit allowed. It definitely makes me feel elitist and cosmopolitan. Does that mean I could be a character on Gossip Girl? I kid, but I really enjoy my trips there. Here's for more to come and more wonders to unfold.

xoxo Anjali ;)

I spend a lot of time online. It's kind of bad.

Med school has taken over my life. Maybe I'll post come rotations, but for now, I be lying low.

I'm a creeper on LJ yet I haven't posted in a while. There are many things I would like to post about so I'm just gonna get them all off my chest at this point in time when I should really be reading research papers for a brief lab meeting presentation tomorrow.  And I'll probably be "yelp!"ing as well. So, be prepared for entry cuts and random thoughts.  Buckle in, kids.

soooo who's smart and NEVER decided to finish "Mahabharat" (watching the show and finishing my damn story)...yea umm me. it may come, i swear. i usually don't start things and then not finish them (then again, there is a first time for everything i suppose).

so tomorrow I'm dissecting a cadaver, WOW! And I have a crapload of stuff to study. so k bye =)

p.s. can someone tell me when "LOST" is starting up again?
Sept 24th - "HEROES"
Sept 27th - "The Office"
BOO FOR HAVING A TEST THAT WEEK

I think all the time, probably more than I should. But it's very rare when I can pinpoint specific things that cause me emotion. Only through this process will I be able to solve my problems and move on with my life in an appropriate and satisfactory manner.

I am really unhappy with the way people view me. I wish I could clear some things up about myself and my feelings, but I feel it's too late for that for some people, especially the progs here at PSU. There are some times that make me happy when people notice something nice about me, something that I want people to know about me. But I want more and I'm sure other people somewhere feel this way too. But it makes me really upset with who I am when I can't portray myself to others in a satisfactory manner. I hold some things back when I probably shouldn't.  Anyways, the point I am making is that I don't feel free to talk about anything with anyone anymore. I feel like I was able to be open until the end of freshman year to last semester and I realized how not so nice the world and its people really are. But I also discovered that there is some good too, although I wish it came in larger amounts.

I've lost a lot of self-confidence as well, which I'm sure is another factor into all of this. This has caused me to be insecure of who I am, whether I'm "good enough". This has never affected me before. I would never care about what others thought of me. And now I feel almost every step I take is being judged by those around me.

I really want that chance to be able to open myself again without getting stabbed. I want to trust with no regrets. Hell, I want to live with no regrets. Sometimes I feel like have too many emotions and then sometimes I'm devoid of them. PMS? Only sometimes.

I also feel second rate to each and every person around me. Some of that blame rests on me for not showing people who I really am; the rest I blame on the world around me for their stupid perceptions and prejudices. I feel that somehow I've been demoted to the class of normal and ordinary in a really stupid twist of events. I feel forgotten and misunderstood.

I want to be proven wrong of all of what I've mentioned in this entry. I want to be special again. I want to feel freedom. I know that this must start with me. I've been trying very hard, but I have a long way to go, as do those around me. I am really hoping that something good is in store for me in the future. And I thank God that I have been given what I'm counting on to be an endless supply of hope and a need to show that I'm happy and only that: at least those around me can be happy when I'm not able to be.

Go ahead.  Sue me because you don't understand me.

Three TV shows I watch have had their season end.  As usual, my review/thoughts are typed as if I am speaking somewhat and I hope they convey my emotion as well (for those who know me, I suppose this is easier).

I am still alive! Just have a lot of work and soon college will be over. wow.

so some things floating through my head that I really feel I need to see in words for catharsis:

• - got an awesome haircut so my hair is really short.  If I put a headband in my hair so it doesn't fall in my face, I look like I'm 12 but I also feel like Kajol when she played the tomboy Anjali in "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai".  I realize my life is not a Bollywood movie (like when my dil went dharak dharak when a boy crush said something nice about my appearance), but I can have my daydreams, right?
• Said boy crush in previous bullet is not for me.  I keep on going in circles only to come up with this conclusion. But hot dammit, there are some things about him which are soooooo great.  A friend of mine (also a boy) said that I should tell said crush, but I know this is no the right move.  I am leaving PennState in a little more than a week and I know I shouldn't say it's too late for anything, but seriously, I doubt said crush would do anything about it.  He will remain a friend and if we were meant to be, we will happen.  Now is not the time for it and I am convinced of that.  But I do hope later down the road, he does realize that the potential for something great, whether it be friendship or relationship, was/is there.  Don't get me wrong, I am not waiting my life away for this (I'm not that crazy), but my door is always open.
  
• the TV shows I watch are great. Every single one of them (yes, even One Tree Hill).
• I am glad that I have some friends who don't have awkward ways of showing me/letting me know that they are worried about me.  And ask me if I will visit, which makes me feel all fuzzy inside =) (so maybe my fortune cookie that read that I have a friendly heart and am well admired IS right?)
• I will miss Hindu Students Council. a lot.  but not until after I have a great time with fellow members =)
• I miss PennState a lot. period.
• Kind of wish I had some form of a romantic rendezvous here, but those reasons are very personal and I'd rather not post them here.
• Even though some of my thoughts in these bullets sound like regrets, along with my regret of not handling myself better so that now I am a social outcast in my own program year (when people outside of the program think it's really great that I already know people going to my medical school), I will not let these regrets control me.  I will figure it all out and everyone will be dealt their fair share.  I've already been dealt my fair share of frustration and I will see to it that my turn is over.
• Ok, now I sound like an angry emo kid.  Yes, I've had my share of emo-ness, but seriously, my actions, thoughts, and words all have rhyme or reason if you listen to me or get to know me.  And I think about how the three can affect someone so I can hopefully prevent something bad from happening.  For example, I try not to offend someone to their face or behind their back.  And if I do, well then, there must be good reason for it or I apologize.
• To those who know me but really know nothing about me: you're missing out on a lot.
• To those who had the nerve and awesomeness to get to know me: thanks for the fun times. Seriously, I really appreciate them.  And I hope that I know just as much about you as you know about me even though I'm pretty sure I've b*tched about my life more than you have =P
• I feel like I needed to make the previous two bullets to appreciate what I have and forget about things I can't change.  This is what "The Namesake" (as in the movie) has driven me to.
• I am getting highlights and I'm pretty excited.  And hopefully, I will be one hot mama before medical school a.k.a. I might get my nose pierced.  This is a very big maybe.  The condition is that I am to lose some weight (stop saying I'm not fat, my BMI is kind of big and my stomach is in the danger zone of going past my boobs, one of the ways I measure for good figure) and then Mummy may let me get my nose pierced since I've talking about it for the past...umm 6 years I believe.  But I think it's all just one big ploy to try to marry me off.  lol, I jest, Mummy would not let that happen, even if she is eager for some grandchildren.  Studies first, beta!
• Did I mention that even though I'm psyched to not have 8 A.M. classes, that thought is burst by the fact that medical school is full of those =(  Will I be growing up?  Who knows?  Will those around me grow up?  I really hope so?

Alright, that was random but very much needed for me.  I'll most likely make this entry private later.  Note to self: just breathe.

yes! i found the main picture that i wanted to see from last night's festivities:

image from Getty Images: http://cache.gettyimages.com/xc/73421669.jpg?v=1&c=NewsMaker&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF1930F65A344AAC8D0700A74F367BC05D399

so that lady with the sari WAS part of the "Water" posse when Germany won Best Foreign Film! in the picture above from left: john abraham, i'm guessing his mom (because I decided to Google search and try to find this out), director Deepa Mehta, Seema Biswas (YEA bengalis), producer David Hamilton, and Lisa Ray (another YEA bengalis!).  I don't know what's going on with Lisa Ray in this picture but I really like the short hair look on John.  He looks like such a nice Indian (although he's really not Indian) that you want to bring home to mom =)

So I realized that this was the third time that I actually watched an Oscar-winning film before it won an Oscar (which includes "Titanic", "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King", and most recently "The Departed").  Hopefully this will happen more often so I can brag to others about my impeccable choice for really good movies ;)

Sadly, I don't know much about all the movies that were being honored so I don't have any major comments about all that jazz about whether certain actors or people should have won or what not.  But I do have comments on the show:
-I thought the whole thing with the people forming the movie images was pretty neat, especially "Snakes on a Plane".
-I started cracking up when Al Gore said "my fellow Americans" and I'm not quite sure why.
-Abigail Breslin looked SO CUTE.
-Penelope Cruz (and many more) looked amazing.
-I always liked Ellen, so I didn't have a problem with her hosting.
-To think that Ryan Gosling went from Mouseketeer to an Oscar-nomination kind of blows my mind.
-Leonardo DiCaprio has regained my respect for being a great actor.
-Mr. Tumnus (a.k.a. James McAvoy) was there! (because he was in "The Last King of Scotland")
-And I totally didn't know that the actress (Tammy Lynn Michaels) who played the girl on "Popular" who ran over Brooke was married to Melissa Etheridge.
-Also, one thing to add to my list of "I know I've watched too much "HEROES" when" list: when George Clooney was presenting an award (I forget now for what), the way the light fell on his face kind of reminded me of the bad*ss picture Isaac drew of Peter on last week's episode.  also to add this bullet: fanpop.com is insane in the fact that I already watched tonight's episode =)

I think I hit all of the random notes I wanted to hit. k byebye.

So during winter break, really sad current events happen. One has happened close to home (as opposed to really sad current events happening elsewhere i.e. the tsunami). 

sad news : three students from my high school passed away in a car accident right after school ended. Details are still being investigated into the entire ordeal, but nonetheless, this is a sad event. And never have I seen so much media attention swarming around that my high school was freaking plastered on the nightly news of about every news station here (i.e. all the ones in the vicinity, otherwise known as New York City).

I don't really know why I'm posting about all of this here. I guess I'm sure that tragedies happen in many towns and such, so why should everyone care much? I guess the fact of the matter is that Freehold was a small town which has now grown so much lately. We used to take pride in the fact that nothing too tragic happens here and then bam it happens. I guess I'm angry about the fact that the media has devoured the situation to make more sales of newspapers or whatever other form of media they have. And people are forgetting the fact that we should educate ourselves after these tragic events so history doesn't repeat itself. The message boards for the article are pretty messed up, but then again, I posted on there too. At least the NY Times has decency to present all sides (i.e. more information as to the backgrounds of the victims) and not offer too many offending photographs unlike Asbury Park Press.

Rest in peace, Mike, James, Andrew, and Ruth. May your lives and memories always be remembered.

my arms look like I'm a failed herion addict.

I had to get some blood drawn today and since my body has a lot of fat, the lady couldn't find a vein. She tried my right arm and I was like WOW THAT WAS QUICK. But then I realized nothing fruitful came from it and I got poked into instead. And then she tried my left arm and that didn't work either. Thankfully, this was taking place in the comfort of my mom's office so Mummy came to the rescue (score!)! My mom ended up drawing my blood. inSANE. So that's why my arms look like I was a confused heroin addict (or whatever else you want to think of). It reminds of the time in high school where my friend and I were about to give blood in a blood drive for the first time. I got rejected because I went to India less than 6 months prior. So I accompanied my friend and the people couldn't find her veins either, and mind you, she was/is not fat at all. weird.

I think this whole needle thing and OMG-I-get-to-cut-people-open thing are things that I'm a bit hesitant about. It's one thing to do it in a dissection but an entirely different thing to do it on a real human being. eek. Trust me, I will definitely grow over this, just putting my thoughts down for the present so I can look back at them. Maybe I'll play it cool like JD on "Scrubs" when he had to put in an I.V.   x.X

Random thoughts floating around in my head:
- WHY do I like older men (i.e. not like OLD old, like 5-10 years older) = not a healthy habit :-/ and the one who sparked my penchant for them this time is not even that extremely good-looking, thus supporting that I like personality and providing further proof of that whole forbidden fruit effect of wanting what you can't have.
- I saw "Bunty Aur Babli" i.e. a Bollywood movie. It was cute queet (tell me if you recognize that from somewhere else).
- I got another colorful peacoat =) They make me feel so professional. So now I have an orange one, a green one, and a purple one i.e. not primary colors *cough geekiness ensues* x.X
- I've started believing in the system of "guilty until proven innocent" = also not a very healthy habit.
-some space junk/meteorite came down into some Indian family's house in Freehold. Never thought I'd see a story about this on cnn.com though.

hmm. hungry time. enjoy the beautiful weather outside i.e. blizzard of '96 was only 11 years ago i.e. the world's going to eeend.

Yay for this being the first post of 2007!

TV Round-up:

• 01.17.07 = "One Tree Hill" returns! Ok, maybe you're not so excited about this one, but forgive me, I used to watch the show in high school. Then I thought the show was getting a bit ridiculous until I saw some really INTENSE episodes and now it's back as a show I should keep up with. And besides, James Lafferty (i.e. Nathan Scott) is cute =)
• 01.22.07 = "HEROES" hiatus ends! Can't wait. The previews look amazing and I'm very glad I got hooked onto the show. I really wonder how the season will end. And how people will find answers. Of course, finding answers means bringing up new questions.
• 02.07.07 = "LOST" returns! Thankfully, there will be no repeats and ONLY new episodes. Yesss. But why the change in airing time? Jack, if you only knew that there was nowhere to RUN. GOSH.

This year should be an exciting year for movies I hope (titles are links to the Apple trailers site since I like using Quicktime to watch my trailers):

• 300 - Yes, an epic movie! I've been missing epic movies such as "The Lord of the Rings" and "Gladiator". A movie about a lesser-known battle should be interesting. And it involves the Spartans, descendants of Hercules (yay for Greek history!). I really don't know what's up with the cave troll-like monsters(?) i.e. CGI effects like whoa, but the well-defined abs are real (gosh I really wish LJ had some emoticons so I could put that big grin one from AIM or something). David Wenham (a.k.a. Faramir) is in the movie! And of course I have another reason for loving Gerard Butler even more because now he is King Leonidas after being the Phantom in the film adaptation of "The Phatom of the Opera"! A man who has very well defined body structure who can sing? Those are very hard to come by these days =P
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Before talking about the movie, I cannot fathom what the seventh book in the series, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows", will be about. But anyways, seeing Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix should be interesting because she looks pretty scary. Ralph Fiennes is very handsome in real life, so to see him as Voldemort is a change from the usual (I wasn't so fond of him in the fourth movie but maybe it will grow on me). Dumbledore's Army! Prophecies! Hmm maybe I should read the book again.
• Bridge to Terabithia - Nostalgia from elementary school. Hopefully should be a good movie. (I need to see Charlotte's Web too, although I must admit I never read the novel).
• Spider-Man 3 - I hope this is the last one made because otherwise the series will be exhausted. Looks pretty good though. I never read the comics so I don't know much about the story so I can't say much.

Awards Round-up: Due to limited time on the Internet, I haven't had the chance to look at the latest nominees for every single category and such. Maybe more on this later )most probably not =P)?

Random News Stories that have been floating about:

• Some lady almost ran over a kangaroo in my town. weird.
• Apparently some space junk flew into a house in my friend's development in Freehold. odd.
• A NY man saved a student having a seizure who fell onto subway tracks by giving him a bear hug. heroic. good job =)
• CNN makes some really whack typoes i.e. "Where's Osama?" was shown as "Where's Obama?". B and S are not that close, but I guess for some other news networks that feed us crap, the keys may be close together to make the bs-feeding job easier. Just like my last name was spelled wrong in my senior yearbook i.e. the last of four that I bought in my years of high school. Mujumdar. ugh.
• Ok, not really news, but really it's another funny Indian commerical. Nationwide Insurance. Two young lovers sing and do some Bollywood dancing and well, life comes at you fast.
• EDIT (01.05.07) - changed the lj colors back to the red'black contrast and finally figured out how to make my comments page like my journal layout. =). Oh, and um, I made the icon for this entry as well because I forgot that Imageready trials don't expire (score!)! Icon animation taken from a trailer of "300" =P.

Stolen from a lot of people on my friend's list:

It's funny how you can be very similar to things/people you claim to dislike or hate (this does not apply to everyone).

Confused? Comment. I'd enjoy to hear what you have to say.

just finished watching "kuch kuch hota hai", one of my top favorite bollywood films. but for some odd reason it made me really sad too. i think it's because i grew fond of the lyrics of the songs.

"tujhe yaad na mere aaye
kisise ab kya kehna
dil roya ki aankhen bhar aaye
kisise ab kya kehna..."

thank goodness i don't cry anymore about the situation i want to apply the lyrics to. Hai Bhagavan.

-Signed
Girl of Mystery

Some things that have changed around home that bother me:
-The firehouse nearby now has an alarm that literally sounds like a warzone or something (not that I know what sounds like EDIT: my mom said that sirens sounded like that during the India-China war), but I was VERY SCARED when I first heard it EDIT: apparently this alarm existed all the time at that firehouse?
-There's a dog(?) nearby that howls a lot now (I don't think it howled that much before) and I'm sure if he howled for a long enough time, he would very much like the "monster" from LOST. WEIRD.

Some things that have changed around home that I like:
-The roads for driving to my high school are completely fixed.
-Home-cooked food is so good =) Stuffing? Pssh no, I got me some BIRYANI! yay for Indian food being fused with American traditions, lol.

I hope all of you enjoyed National Sleep-In Day (which was Friday by the way). And that all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

But don't you think that the holiday season is the most ironic time of the year for us? Apparently charities receive many donations and such around this time and many are more willing to give back ot their communities and what not. We want to give back to those we love but the gift-buying season can be vicious, no? I don't know, just a random thought I had.

EDIT: So when I went home, I was sucked into the dictatorship over the TV from 8 P.M.-10 P.M. That's right, I watched Indian shows. But I really do have to tell you that Indian commercials are really cute! I was trying VERY HARD to find the MetLife commercial with the wedding (trust me, you'd find it hilarious) but you'll just have to settle for the college acceptance one instead:
- MetLife insurance - i.e. funny Bollywood style college acceptance
- Nationwide Insurance - another song and dance when life comes at you fast
- Brother fights mud - sister fell in the mud and the brother fights the mud to say sorry
- Hrithik Dancing with Cookies - he's a good dancer, need I say more?
- Pasta AGAIN? - ad for Udupi Deep Foods

feeling kind of sad right now and don't know why.

I guess there's a lot going on that I can't pinpoint what is making me sad.  Or maybe it's the fact that I have a lot of stuff going on that is making me feel emo.

thankfully, Thanksgiving break is soon.